姊弟倆 Siblings

My daughter and her brother

My daughter and her "sister"

那時候，我兒在UNM 唸書，住在姊姊家，我的女婿任AFBC 的青年牧師，帶領大學生團契。

一個星期三的晚上，在他們家中的查經班聚會一結束，女兒即刻興奮地從美國新墨州打長途電話到多倫多來給我：

「媽媽，今晚發生了一件大事，石石剛才開口了！石石終於開口問那個女孩了！她答應了！」
「媽媽，那是一個非常好的女孩，您一定會喜歡她的......」
「媽媽，石石已經約她明天晚上去喝咖啡，那會是他倆第一個正式的約會。」
「媽媽，他們兩人現在正坐在我們家的客廳沙發上說話，其他學生都已經走了......」
「媽媽，神應允了您的禱告，祂大大賜給了您報償.....」

感謝我的恩主。

It was when my son was going to UNM and staying at his sister's house, and when my son-in-law was the youth and college pastor of AFBC, one Wednesday night after the Bible Studies at their own house, my daughter immediately called me from ABQ to Toronto, with thankfulness and excitement.

"Mama, something big happened here tonight!  Eric asked 'that girl' tonight, and she said 'yes'!"
"Mama, she is a wonderful young lady, I am sure you will like her....."
"Mama, Eric is going to take her out for coffee tomorrow, and that will be their very first date."
"Mama, the two of them are still chatting in our living room, all other students have left already....."
"Mama, God has answered your prayers and He has greatly repaid you.... " 

I am thankful to my gracious Lord.

(Edited by Abby Chou)

我妹妹小賢 My Sister Athena

My aunt and me, in Taiwan  (我姑姑和我，於台灣)

My aunt with her children and grandchildren, in the States (我姑姑和她的兒孫們，在美國)

我不稱小賢為表妹，因為我不愛這個「表」字，就像我不愛外婆的那個「外」字一樣。對我來說，母親的媽媽是「姥姥」，姑姑的女兒是「妹妹」。

小賢的母親，姑姑，是我祖父母惟一的女兒、我父親惟一的妹妹。

然而，記憶中，我從沒見過父親疼愛姑姑。

我，正好也是家中惟一的女兒；和姑姑一樣，也有個孤單的童年。

十三歲唸初中的時候，我每天搭火車去萬華女中上學；姑姑的家，正好就在火車站旁邊。有一天放學後，忍耐不住想和兩個妹妹玩，到站下了車，看著火車嗚嗚而過，我鼓足勇氣轉入了姑姑家的巷弄。

那是一個永難忘懷的快樂又痛苦的記憶！

回到家，遲了一個多小時，我誠實地招供出來，卻遭到父親用一根竹條猛抽我穿制服裙的小腿，直抽到兩條小腿肚浮暴出無數的紅粗印子。

那個記憶的印象真的太深了。

我痛苦的，並不是父親打我；我痛苦的是，再也不敢去姑姑家了。

感謝神！妹妹卻從來未曾放棄尋找我；台灣、美國、加拿大、又美國。

感謝神！因祂的恩典、賜給我和妹妹信心滿滿地一同努力， 終於，爸爸和姑姑和好了。

感謝神！任何時候，有任何悲哀，妹妹一定在。

謝謝妳，小賢；姊姊愛妳。

I don't call Athena  "Biao Mei" which literally means "the superficial sister" as I don't call my mom's mother "Wai Po" which literally means "the outsider grandma".  

I rather call Athena “Mei Mei” as I rather do to my mom’s mother “Lao Lao”, which means younger sister, and, grandma.

Athena’s mother, my Gu-Gu, my aunt, was the only daughter of my grandparents and the only sister of my father. 

I never remembered my father being loving to Gu-Gu, somehow.

It happened that I also was the only daughter, and similar enough, had a lonely childhood. 

When I was 13 years old, I used to go to a girl's middle school by train, and the train station was right by my gu-gu’s house.  One day after school, I was so tempted to play with my two “younger sisters” that I walked toward Gu-Gu’s house right after I was off the station.

I will never forget how happy I was at Gu-Gu’s house, and I will never forget the consequence I had either!

Upon returning home a couple of hours late and reporting to my parents honestly, my father took a bamboo stick and whipped me so hard on my legs that they appeared all red and swollen.

It was a painful memory.

What really hurt were not my legs, but my heart which never dared to go to Gu-Gu’s house again.

Praise the Lord! Athena never gave up on me, from Taiwan, the States, Canada, and the States again.

Praise the Lord! Through His grace, Athena and I had worked hard together, and we eventually brought my father and his sister back to reconciliation.

Praise the Lord! Whenever I need a loving ear, my sister is there.

Thank you, Athena;  “Jie Jie” loves you.

(By Julia Chou)

 

獻給我的情人 To My Valentine

September 2007, honeymoon at Banff, Canada for our 33rd anniversary (2007年九月於加拿大班芙 33 週年蜜月旅行)

十年前的情人節，我曾寫下這麼一段心情：

你是肅肅公堂一把尺，威威正殿一瓶花。我呢，恰恰相反，只算得渺渺滄海一滴水，浩浩長空一片雲。

飯桌上，我愛吃魚，你不沾腥，那倒也不礙著你親吻飯後漱過口、刷了牙的我；問題是，愈來愈多的事情上，我倆不同。

我喜歡偶爾把一根剛從園裏挖出的鮮嫩白蘿蔔切成寬條、蘸點鹽和黑胡椒。美食的你，極少生吃，除了那種切碎又拌過蔴油、蒜末的蘿蔔乾。蘿蔔，是得紅燒牛腩的，你說。再不然，至少也得把它切成細絲(只能切，不可刨，你說)，然後拌了鹽，等幾分鐘，擠去水份，再加上醬油、麻油、糖、醋、香菜、蔥花、和一點點紅色辣椒醬……

然而，當心與心相對的時候，我則一反外表的粗枝大葉，直把自己挖空、切絲、調拌、烹煮、細細呈獻在你的面前。而你，卻總是回敬我一條連皮帶根的大蘿蔔、堵在我心口。

我能埋怨嗎？其實，那不正是我當初看上你的内在風格嗎？

每晚飯後的散步，我倆一路牽手，一路靜默無言。踏著滿地月華，我彷彿能聽見自己胸腔裏呼之欲出的憂悶之氣。

你喜歡長途開車旅行。只要吃飽睡足了，你總是意氣風發地握著駕駛盤，躊躇志滿、一句話不說，直等到我怨婦似地斜著眼望你，你才忽然發現我的存在似的側臉向我開心微笑。有時，你會伸出右手，握住我的左手，或是在我左膝上輕輕摩挲。「不是很棒嗎？」這，可能是你能表達的最長句子了。

我能怎麼回答呢？再多的委屈，都已融化在你單純的柔情中。於是一年又一年，我甘心情願把手交你掌心，把頭靠你肩上，任由你無聲地導航。

卻是為什麼，在孩子們的長大期間、以及他們離家後的空巢裏，我慢慢變得不再能忍受你那原本魅力十足的靜默氣質………

上面這幾段文字，摘錄於十年前拙作「我還沒有放棄」，刊載於2003年二月份世副徵文主題「戀歌」。

十年來，我已改變許多，就是還沒放棄等著他主動來找我一同靈修。

自丈夫信主後，我一直渴望家中有一個祭壇，讓我與我所愛、一同敬拜我們天上的愛。

雖然我倆每天都握著彼此的手謝飯禱告，但那不一樣啊！

曾經和幾位牧師之妻談過，她們的反應是：「和我丈夫兩人每天一起靈修？唉喲，我早就放棄了！我們兩個人能每天不吵個架，我已經太高興了！」

這樣的回答讓我喪氣，但未曾讓我喪志。

雖說未曾放棄，我已立志安靜、不發一言、「等他自己情願」。卻不知這次情人節之前，我又哪根筋不對，突然要求老公與我一同靈修，並建議從創世記開始。這一次，他笑了出來。

「又是創世記……」他說。聽來，不大信任我。

「放心！」我興奮地答道，「這次絕不拖。我們一星期之內各自研究一卷聖經書卷，到了週末，二人一起分享……」

話沒說完，我又後悔了。怎麼又忘了應該由他來主導！只好再度閉嘴。如是，忍了好些天，我沒再提，他也沒吭氣。

唉，看來，他真的是沒這份心意。

週末早晨，我起了個早，酸不溜丟地獨自去打開我的電腦寫日記。對啊，幹嘛我一定需要他？我有天上的永恆大情人，還不夠嗎？

正專心寫著我的「天上情書」，忽見那一頭他站立捧著一本聖經。

「過來啊！」他說，「我們不是說好今天要從創世記開始嗎？」

Wow！

我興奮得趕緊拿起聖經、「快跑過去」，和他面面相對……

那天早晨，我乖乖靜靜地讓他「當主席」、「一腳踢」。
那天早晨，他以感性的態度，從知性與理性的角度，把創世記分解得合理又清楚。
那天早晨，我倆再度享受了一個最美好的「起初神……」

一個上午不知不覺地過去了，快要結束時我才發現，我們竟然沒禱告、也沒唱詩，but so what？有一首詩歌，已經在我心中；有一個禱告，已化為今晨的每一寸呼吸。 在這一切裏，我與祂、與他，一體！

是的，我還沒有放棄。我不會放棄，我也無須放棄。

那一個早晨，天上的情人和地上的情人，都輕輕撫平了我心底的小小皺痕。


Ten years ago for Valentine's Day, I wrote:

You are a ruler in the court, a vase for the temple; I am just the opposite, a drop of water to the ocean, a piece of cloud in the sky.

I love fish and you don't touch it. It actually doesn't matter that much, because you would still kiss me after I rinsed my mouth. The problem is, more and more things are showing that you and I are just different.

I enjoy eating a fresh radish with just a little salt and pepper. To you, radish(or daikon) are only to be cooked in a beef stew with soy sauce. Or, at least, it should be cut into very fine and thin pieces ( Well, the pieces are not supposed to be too fine either, you say) and then it should be put into some salt, then wait, then squeeze off all the juice, and then put into some soy sauce, sesame oil, sugar, vinegar, cilantro, green onions, and a bit touch of some fancy Chinese red chili sauce like Lao-Gan-Ma……

But, in time of sharing emotions, I became the one who is particular. I would cut up the giant radish, shred it, season it, well cook it, and then carefully present it to you with all my heart. And you, you would just simply repay and treat me with a whole raw daikon, blocking at the entrance of my heart.

I am not to complain, you see, for you have been remaining the same personality as you've always been, and that was just the way I used to like about you.

Every night as we take a walk holding hands in silent, upon each step treading the moonlight on the ground, I can almost hear my breathing and my heartbeat.

You love to take a long distance trip. As long as you have eaten and slept, you will complacently hold the steer and have no need for any conversation, until you notice some piteous woman is seriously staring at you. Then you would hold my hand, turn your face and smile at me.

"Isn't this great?” This is probably the longest sentence you would express.

How am I going to answer you? Once again, I surrendered in your simple and gentle love, and so let you navigate in silence as years go by.

But why was I not able to bear your used-to-be-so-charming-to-me quiet temperament when our  children were growing up and especially now when they had grown-up and gone?

The above paragraphs are part of an old article I wrote exactly 10 years ago in February 2003, “I Have Not Given Up Yet", which was published for Valentine's Day on World Journal Fu.

A lot of things I have out-grown with during the last 10 years, but one thing I never give up is to wait for my husband to invite me to do the daily devotional with him.

For my whole marriage life after he became a Christian, I have been yearning for a family altar to worship our Heavenly Lover together.

Yes, we do pray together at each meal, but that is different.

I used to share these thoughts with some pastor's wives, and their response was,"To have a daily devotional with my husband? Oh, I have long ago given it up! I would so rejoice if only my husband and I could get around without a daily squabbling."

Answers like this depressed me, but never devastate me.

Though never gave up, I did make a decision to wait patiently until he is ready to take the initiate. But something wrong with me and I asked him again a few days before this Valentine's day, and I said we should start from Genesis.

Upon my suggestion, he laughed.

"Genesis again?" He didn't seem to trust me at all.

"Take heart," I replied, in excitement, "this time we are not going to procrastinate……"

Before I was even done with talking, I started to regret again. Why should this happen again that I forgot he is supposed to be the one who leads? Well, at this point I will just have to shut up. So for many days, I never mention it again and he didn't say a word either.

Ok! I guess he just didn't care.

Saturday morning, I got up early, went to my computer, started to write my diary, and said to myself, "Why should I need him? I am satisfied with my Heavenly Lover.   So, there!"

When I was just concentrating in writing my "heavenly love-letter", a voice came and there my husband standing with his Bible。

"Come over here!" He said, "I thought we are going to start from Genesis today."

Wow!

I immediately put down my diary and went over there with my Bible, facing him……

That morning, I quietly let him be the leader and everything.
That morning, he talked Genesis with intellectuality, rationality, and sensibility.
That morning, we enjoyed a best "in the beginning…", ever.

Time went fast, upon finishing, I noticed we didn't even sing or pray.  But so what?  A song of praise has been put in my heart, and a prayer in my breathing.  I was absolutely one with Him and with him.

Yep, I haven't given up yet.  I am not going to, and I don't have to.

That very morning, my Heavenly Lover and my earthly lover have both greatly satisfied my little desire. 

(By Julia Chou)

接受採訪 Being Interviewed

     This is the picture that dpmRadio put on their Facebook, taken in July, 2012  (這是倍恩廣播網放在Facebook上的照片，攝於2012年七月)

我一向沒有回頭去聽自己的講道、或是任何演講錄音的習慣。

上個月28日，我接受了倍恩廣播網會客室節目的訪問；丈夫聽了之後說還不錯，但我從未刻意回頭去聽。

今晨在Google上搜尋一些其他資料時，意外撞到了那段專訪節目，驚喜之下聽了，也還算喜歡。

謝謝製作人許智玲和主持人金佩蘭，與她們二位同工非常愉快。

I usually don’t listen to my own recording of sermons or speech or anything.

Last month on the 28th, I was interviewed as a guest by a broadcast called Double Portion Ministry Radio; my husband listened to the radio and told me I was pretty good, but I never tried to prove he was right.

This morning while doing some other researches, I accidentally came across with this on Google;  I listened, and to my surprise, I liked it.

Enjoy!  I just did. :)

Also, I would like to express my appreciation to VJ, the hostess,  and Jolene, the producer; it was such a pleasant experience working with those nice young ladies.

(By Julia Chou)

想家 Homesickness

Haven't received a lunar-calendar-new-year card for a long, long time, I guess it was this beautiful card that touched my 32 years' homesickness for Taiwan, my beloved home country (是這張美麗的賀卡，觸動了我思念台灣的 32 年鄉愁？)

All 14 of our children and grandchildren (including the #6 baby boy in my daughter's tummy), in Albuquerque, New Mexico on the first day of this Lunar-New-year, 2013  (包括那個還在女兒腹中的小Baby, 所有我們的14個兒女和孫兒女於今年農曆新年的第一天，團聚在Abuquerque, New Mexico)

With my parents, my daughter, and her family in 2009, Santa Clara, California

可能是因為今年農曆除夕剛好碰上一個星期六，也可能是因為我的寶貝媳婦兒寄來一張美麗又驚喜的農曆賀年卡，今年，我特別感受到一種 32 年來罕有的「不再放棄異鄉團圓過年」的熱情，與深切渴望。

昨晚午夜時分，即令四面一片靜悄、一無鞭炮，丈夫和我還是興奮地煮了冷凍櫃裏的最後一包水餃。 今晨，我對他說，下一個年除夕，我一定要先包好一桌子的白菜豬肉餃。而且，還要一面煮，一面吃，一面再繼續包.....

曾經宣告，台灣是我的養母，大陸是我的生母，香港是我的手足。

曾經宣告，沒返台之前、不回大陸，沒回過大陸、不去香港，沒去過香港、絕不去世界任何地方觀光。

未料東西加拿大，南北美利堅，甚至踏上了中國邊境的麻瘋村，竟卻一再錯晃那乳育我的地方。

忽然想家。忽然，想念我的母親。

It might have been because this year's lunar-new-year-eve happened to fall on a Saturday, or it was because the surprising, beautiful lunar-calendar-new-year card that I received from my precious daughter-in-law, I have experienced a strong desire and passion, which I seldom had for the last 32 years, to celebrate on the Chinese New Year Eve regardless where I am.

Upon midnight last night, my husband and I cooked and ate up the last package of frozen dumplings and I decided, for the next Chinese New Year Eve, I am going to make a lot, lot, lot of delicious dumplings for my beloved ones, according to the sweet tradition from my childhood in Taipei, Taiwan......

Used to have proclaimed, "Taiwan my foster mother, Mainland my blood mother, Hongkong my own sibling."

Used to have proclaimed, "Unless I have a chance to visit the one who brought me up, I will not visit mainland, Hongkong, or any other place in the world."  

However, having crossed Canada and America, even visited a leprosy village in Southern China, still, the hour has not come for the land that nursed me.

So here I am, homesick, and miss my mother.
 

(By Julia Chou)

再見，跛腳兒！ Good-Bye, Little Cripple!

由於從小遭受暴力與性侵的遺害，讓我雖明知自己是天父的女兒，卻總難逃一種壓抑捆綁、看人臉色的小媳婦心態。

四個月前的一個週末，當我正準備陪同丈夫和他三姊(也是他上司)一塊兒去聖地牙哥某教會辦事，卻在清晨上車前不慎嚴重扭傷了腳踝骨。

劇烈的疼痛中，我明知自己傷勢嚴重、動彈不了，卻默默讓丈夫放下我，看著他和三姊驅車而去。

寂寞、孤單、痛苦中，我憶起婚後種種；不論是流產、生孩子、動大手術，甚至車禍後重傷等等，一次次來自公婆及公婆家人的凌辱與虐待浮上心頭。

    

三天後丈夫歸來，推著輪椅上的我去複診，已然回復了他的溫柔細心，與先前那付冷漠無情、前後判若二人。

見我青紫腫脹的腳滿是淤血，又聽醫生說這傷勢嚴重、 需時三個月康復，他開始越發體貼、對我倍加照顧。到了家門，他甚至彎下身來、背著我進屋………

我很感激丈夫，但也定意不再放過裏面那個小媳婦，以及她所背負的咒詛 。

我深知，問題在我自己！

經過數日在我主十字架面前的默禱沉思，終於神的恩典臨到；耶穌的死與復活、藉著聖靈觸動了我，叫我以真實深度的饒恕之心、奉耶穌基督的名，砍斷那長久以來轄制陳周這兩個家族的黑暗權勢！

如同酒政尼希米為他父家以色列民的禱告，我開始為自己、我父母、我家人、我祖先的罪，以及我丈夫、他父母、他家人、他祖先的罪懇求。我迫切懇求耶穌基督用祂的寶血厚厚塗抹遮蓋，永遠不再記念這兩個家族代代相傳的罪孽。

哈利路亞！忽然有天上的大光托住我，讓我滿有坐上雲端的自由與釋放。

到如今，腳傷未癒，我的心已一 片清明。

而且，做了決定！

不再是那個苦毒自憐的小媳婦；我，乃天父永恆臂膀中的尊貴公主！

Much as being a child of God, I used to notice the side- effect of being put in the wrong by people because of my oppressed personality due to some early-age experiences of physical and sexual abuse.

Four months ago one Saturday morning, when I was just about to take a trip and go along with my husband and his sister to a church in San Diego, I injured my ankle.

Even though I knew I was badly injured, I silently allowed my husband to leave me alone and drove away with his sister.

Feeling very lonely and in pain, I couldn't help but started to recall all other painful memories in my marriage from my in-laws.

Three days later, my husband came back and took his wheel-chaired wife to the doctor.  He saw my look terribly bruised, inflamed foot, and he learned from the doctor that my injury was so severe that it would take at least 12 weeks to reach a potential recovery, he became totally different from the moment my ankle was injured.  He became so very nice to me.

I appreciated my husband, but I also decided to no more let go of my inside pitiful-little-cripple, as well as the curses that she had been bearing.

I knew very well that it all came from my own problems.

After a few days of contemplative prayers before the Cross of my Lord, grace came upon and the Holy Spirit touched me, I then was all ready to pray for my whole family of origin and my husband's whole family of origin. 

As Nehemiah the cup-bearer prayed for his people of Israel, I asked my Lord my God to please forgive each and every one of my family and his family.  I prayed for Jesus' precious blood to greatly cover and erase all the sins of these two families from many generations.

Hallelujah!  All of a sudden, I was carried by some great light and I felt completely free and released!

Up to this very moment, my ankle is still in the process of recovery, but my heart has become absolutely light and clear.

And, a decision has been made.

No more Little Cripple;  I, am the noble princess of my Everlasting Father!

(By Julia Chou)