獻給我的情人 To My Valentine

September 2007, honeymoon at Banff, Canada for our 33rd anniversary (2007年九月於加拿大班芙 33 週年蜜月旅行)

十年前的情人節，我曾寫下這麼一段心情：

你是肅肅公堂一把尺，威威正殿一瓶花。我呢，恰恰相反，只算得渺渺滄海一滴水，浩浩長空一片雲。

飯桌上，我愛吃魚，你不沾腥，那倒也不礙著你親吻飯後漱過口、刷了牙的我；問題是，愈來愈多的事情上，我倆不同。

我喜歡偶爾把一根剛從園裏挖出的鮮嫩白蘿蔔切成寬條、蘸點鹽和黑胡椒。美食的你，極少生吃，除了那種切碎又拌過蔴油、蒜末的蘿蔔乾。蘿蔔，是得紅燒牛腩的，你說。再不然，至少也得把它切成細絲(只能切，不可刨，你說)，然後拌了鹽，等幾分鐘，擠去水份，再加上醬油、麻油、糖、醋、香菜、蔥花、和一點點紅色辣椒醬……

然而，當心與心相對的時候，我則一反外表的粗枝大葉，直把自己挖空、切絲、調拌、烹煮、細細呈獻在你的面前。而你，卻總是回敬我一條連皮帶根的大蘿蔔、堵在我心口。

我能埋怨嗎？其實，那不正是我當初看上你的内在風格嗎？

每晚飯後的散步，我倆一路牽手，一路靜默無言。踏著滿地月華，我彷彿能聽見自己胸腔裏呼之欲出的憂悶之氣。

你喜歡長途開車旅行。只要吃飽睡足了，你總是意氣風發地握著駕駛盤，躊躇志滿、一句話不說，直等到我怨婦似地斜著眼望你，你才忽然發現我的存在似的側臉向我開心微笑。有時，你會伸出右手，握住我的左手，或是在我左膝上輕輕摩挲。「不是很棒嗎？」這，可能是你能表達的最長句子了。

我能怎麼回答呢？再多的委屈，都已融化在你單純的柔情中。於是一年又一年，我甘心情願把手交你掌心，把頭靠你肩上，任由你無聲地導航。

卻是為什麼，在孩子們的長大期間、以及他們離家後的空巢裏，我慢慢變得不再能忍受你那原本魅力十足的靜默氣質………

上面這幾段文字，摘錄於十年前拙作「我還沒有放棄」，刊載於2003年二月份世副徵文主題「戀歌」。

十年來，我已改變許多，就是還沒放棄等著他主動來找我一同靈修。

自丈夫信主後，我一直渴望家中有一個祭壇，讓我與我所愛、一同敬拜我們天上的愛。

雖然我倆每天都握著彼此的手謝飯禱告，但那不一樣啊！

曾經和幾位牧師之妻談過，她們的反應是：「和我丈夫兩人每天一起靈修？唉喲，我早就放棄了！我們兩個人能每天不吵個架，我已經太高興了！」

這樣的回答讓我喪氣，但未曾讓我喪志。

雖說未曾放棄，我已立志安靜、不發一言、「等他自己情願」。卻不知這次情人節之前，我又哪根筋不對，突然要求老公與我一同靈修，並建議從創世記開始。這一次，他笑了出來。

「又是創世記……」他說。聽來，不大信任我。

「放心！」我興奮地答道，「這次絕不拖。我們一星期之內各自研究一卷聖經書卷，到了週末，二人一起分享……」

話沒說完，我又後悔了。怎麼又忘了應該由他來主導！只好再度閉嘴。如是，忍了好些天，我沒再提，他也沒吭氣。

唉，看來，他真的是沒這份心意。

週末早晨，我起了個早，酸不溜丟地獨自去打開我的電腦寫日記。對啊，幹嘛我一定需要他？我有天上的永恆大情人，還不夠嗎？

正專心寫著我的「天上情書」，忽見那一頭他站立捧著一本聖經。

「過來啊！」他說，「我們不是說好今天要從創世記開始嗎？」

Wow！

我興奮得趕緊拿起聖經、「快跑過去」，和他面面相對……

那天早晨，我乖乖靜靜地讓他「當主席」、「一腳踢」。
那天早晨，他以感性的態度，從知性與理性的角度，把創世記分解得合理又清楚。
那天早晨，我倆再度享受了一個最美好的「起初神……」

一個上午不知不覺地過去了，快要結束時我才發現，我們竟然沒禱告、也沒唱詩，but so what？有一首詩歌，已經在我心中；有一個禱告，已化為今晨的每一寸呼吸。 在這一切裏，我與祂、與他，一體！

是的，我還沒有放棄。我不會放棄，我也無須放棄。

那一個早晨，天上的情人和地上的情人，都輕輕撫平了我心底的小小皺痕。


Ten years ago for Valentine's Day, I wrote:

You are a ruler in the court, a vase for the temple; I am just the opposite, a drop of water to the ocean, a piece of cloud in the sky.

I love fish and you don't touch it. It actually doesn't matter that much, because you would still kiss me after I rinsed my mouth. The problem is, more and more things are showing that you and I are just different.

I enjoy eating a fresh radish with just a little salt and pepper. To you, radish(or daikon) are only to be cooked in a beef stew with soy sauce. Or, at least, it should be cut into very fine and thin pieces ( Well, the pieces are not supposed to be too fine either, you say) and then it should be put into some salt, then wait, then squeeze off all the juice, and then put into some soy sauce, sesame oil, sugar, vinegar, cilantro, green onions, and a bit touch of some fancy Chinese red chili sauce like Lao-Gan-Ma……

But, in time of sharing emotions, I became the one who is particular. I would cut up the giant radish, shred it, season it, well cook it, and then carefully present it to you with all my heart. And you, you would just simply repay and treat me with a whole raw daikon, blocking at the entrance of my heart.

I am not to complain, you see, for you have been remaining the same personality as you've always been, and that was just the way I used to like about you.

Every night as we take a walk holding hands in silent, upon each step treading the moonlight on the ground, I can almost hear my breathing and my heartbeat.

You love to take a long distance trip. As long as you have eaten and slept, you will complacently hold the steer and have no need for any conversation, until you notice some piteous woman is seriously staring at you. Then you would hold my hand, turn your face and smile at me.

"Isn't this great?” This is probably the longest sentence you would express.

How am I going to answer you? Once again, I surrendered in your simple and gentle love, and so let you navigate in silence as years go by.

But why was I not able to bear your used-to-be-so-charming-to-me quiet temperament when our  children were growing up and especially now when they had grown-up and gone?

The above paragraphs are part of an old article I wrote exactly 10 years ago in February 2003, “I Have Not Given Up Yet", which was published for Valentine's Day on World Journal Fu.

A lot of things I have out-grown with during the last 10 years, but one thing I never give up is to wait for my husband to invite me to do the daily devotional with him.

For my whole marriage life after he became a Christian, I have been yearning for a family altar to worship our Heavenly Lover together.

Yes, we do pray together at each meal, but that is different.

I used to share these thoughts with some pastor's wives, and their response was,"To have a daily devotional with my husband? Oh, I have long ago given it up! I would so rejoice if only my husband and I could get around without a daily squabbling."

Answers like this depressed me, but never devastate me.

Though never gave up, I did make a decision to wait patiently until he is ready to take the initiate. But something wrong with me and I asked him again a few days before this Valentine's day, and I said we should start from Genesis.

Upon my suggestion, he laughed.

"Genesis again?" He didn't seem to trust me at all.

"Take heart," I replied, in excitement, "this time we are not going to procrastinate……"

Before I was even done with talking, I started to regret again. Why should this happen again that I forgot he is supposed to be the one who leads? Well, at this point I will just have to shut up. So for many days, I never mention it again and he didn't say a word either.

Ok! I guess he just didn't care.

Saturday morning, I got up early, went to my computer, started to write my diary, and said to myself, "Why should I need him? I am satisfied with my Heavenly Lover.   So, there!"

When I was just concentrating in writing my "heavenly love-letter", a voice came and there my husband standing with his Bible。

"Come over here!" He said, "I thought we are going to start from Genesis today."

Wow!

I immediately put down my diary and went over there with my Bible, facing him……

That morning, I quietly let him be the leader and everything.
That morning, he talked Genesis with intellectuality, rationality, and sensibility.
That morning, we enjoyed a best "in the beginning…", ever.

Time went fast, upon finishing, I noticed we didn't even sing or pray.  But so what?  A song of praise has been put in my heart, and a prayer in my breathing.  I was absolutely one with Him and with him.

Yep, I haven't given up yet.  I am not going to, and I don't have to.

That very morning, my Heavenly Lover and my earthly lover have both greatly satisfied my little desire. 

(By Julia Chou)