我靈歌唱 Contemplations of A Thankful Soul

最愛雨季來臨、夜半乍醒、睡夢中聽雨的那份享受。

不同的是，近日腳傷。常常夜裏痛醒時，我會在雨聲中漸漸回想起過往發生的種種；最常跳入腦海的，是一些我後悔自己曾對兩個孩子說過的話、或做過的事。

有時，這些老舊的情節會在我的夢中出現，往往以一個母親懺悔的方式、混雜著我童年時來自父母的痛苦記憶，交織成一個又一個灰暗色的夢境。

今晨雨聲中醒來，撫著扭傷劇痛的腳踝，我卻禁不住滿心感謝神，含淚發出哈利路亞的歡唱！

是的，主耶穌的恩典已適時臨到。那深度的認罪與真誠的饒恕，竟同時奇妙發生於我的生命，就在今年這個感恩季節。

Seasonal rain pours as I find myself once again awakened: a pleasant nightly routine as of late.

The only thing more distinct than the calming cadence of rain above is the pain from my injured ankle.  Unable to sleep, drowned in sensation, my mind wanders to the past.  I most often think upon the things I have said and done to my children, things I regret.

At night, I sometimes dream about these less than stellar interactions with my children; perhaps a mother's release, a silent confession.  These are often mixed with painful memories from my own youth and woven into a flowing tapestry of dark gray dreams.

Recently, when I wake from these nightmares, the pain of my past seems to compound the pain of my ankle.  Despite my suffering, leg elevated and throbbing, I can't help but be thankful.  Thankful to my Lord my God, in tears and full of praise I can but only exclaim, "Hallelujah!"

Only recently have deep repentance and genuine forgiveness both amazingly happened in my life.  Thankfully, grace came just in time and all a little before this season of Thanksgiving.

 Beautifully and Heartfully translated by my son Eric Chou, 
my cutest little sailor, in the pictures below

正因為她不是我生的 Just Because She Is Not My Own

She and  her fiance

She and  her parents

She and  her wedding

She and  her husband

Her mother and her "mother"

每次住兒子家，讓我最開心的一件事是，看見我兒那麼疼我的媳婦兒。

許多人以為我深情，是因為我是在愛的環境中長大的緣故。其實恰好相反。從小，我眼巴巴望著我的哥哥弟弟們受母親之寵；婚後，又眼巴巴望著我的丈夫和他的兄弟姊妹們受婆婆之寵。 兩邊都沒我的份兒。一直以來不斷壓抑的委屈與不平，叫我幾度翻身不了那多年累積下來的苦恨。

加上更令人苦惱的是，我媽和我婆到了非常晚年的時候，都還不能走出那些來自她們的公婆的傷害。

然而，當恩典臨到、神的話語觸動我心，我立志不讓罪的咒詛與鎖鍊、一代一代地承傳下去 (出埃及記20:5)。

七年前，兒子婚約的聖壇上，我剛巧被安排在新娘身旁。當牧師為他倆禱告時，我情不自禁伸出右臂，輕擁著這位即將成為我媳婦兒的美麗新娘。就在那一刻，我以順服與愛，全然接納了她成為我兒子的骨中骨、肉中肉 (創世記二章23節) 。

愛別人的孩子，確實須要特別用心。也許它不像愛自己的骨肉那樣發乎自然，但是經過信靠順服的操練，它會散發出鑽石般燦爛的光芒，它會比愛自己的骨肉更可貴、更有價值、更合乎基督的心意！

誠如耶穌基督在路加福音十四章26節所說：

「人到我這裏來，若不愛我勝過愛自己的父母、妻子、兒女、弟兄、姊妹、和自己的性命，就不能作我的門徒。」(「愛我勝過愛」這五個字，希臘原文只是一個字「恨」)

在這節經文裏，主耶穌完全不是要我們恨自己的親人，祂乃是要我們察驗自己的「愛」。祂要我們透過操練，在靈裏面勝過 (或超越) 那些天然的、自私的、屬血氣的、邪惡的愛。

避免私心、溺愛、或濫愛自己的血肉之親，並靠著十字架寶血去愛那不可愛的或是我不能愛的，乃是耶穌對祂門徒的最終心意。

咱家媳婦兒雖然不是我生的，但人家也有愛她、心痛她的「骨肉父母」；我因此懇求上帝賜給我更多的愛，讓我能比疼愛自己兒子更深地疼愛她。

今天，是Abby的生日，讓我說一聲：「生日快樂，女兒！」

(此文節錄並改寫自拙文「正因為她不是我生的」，原載於2012 年7月份基督教號角月報我心我家欄)

One of my favorite things when staying at my son's house is watching him be so loving to my daughter-in-law!

I am an affectionate person and people often assume that I was brought up in an affectionate home.  However, I very seldom felt loved by either my own parents or later by my in-laws.  For much of my younger life, I felt bitterness towards them.  I struggled to let go of feelings that I had been wronged.

Both my mother and mother-in-law had similar hurtful memories from their parents-in-law.  They were never able to overcome these feelings and this bothered me, severely.

Prayerfully, grace came upon me and the Word of my Everlasting Father touched my heart.  I decided to break free from the chains that the curse of sin had bound me in and end the cycle of grievance for me and the generations to follow. (Exodus 20:5,6)

Seven years ago at my son's wedding, I was arranged to stand by the bride at the altar.  When the pastor started to pray for them, I couldn't help but reach out and embrace the beautiful bride who was soon to become my daughter-in-law.  It was at that moment that I completely accepted her as "bone of my son's bones and flesh of my son's flesh." (Genesis 2:23)

Of course it takes great affection to genuinely and consistently love a child which is not of blood relations.  It may not be as natural as loving a child of your own, but through the discipline of trust and obedience, the relationship will eventually shine like a diamond; more precious, more valuable and more pleasing to the heart of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Jesus says in Luke 14:26, "Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple."

In this verse, Jesus is not asking us to despise our life or our beloved ones; rather, His desire is for us to examine our "love"; He wants our heart to overcome or surpass those fleshly, selfish, all evil kind of ways of love.

It is truly our Lord's will for us to not be selfish or over-protective and to not abuse the relationship of our very beloved ones.  And ultimately, through the precious blood on the Cross, I know we can love even those who are not loveable or whom we are not able to love.

My daughter-in-law is not a child of my own indeed, but she does have some parents who gave birth to her and will definatetly get hurt from how she is being treated by other people ;  that is why I am asking God to grant me more love so that I could treat her with more affection than even my own son.

Today is Abby's birthday and I want to say, "have a great one, Daughter!"

By Julia

(Edited by Eric Chou)

P.S.   This post is a brief re-composition from one of my published articles which you can find in the July 2012 issue of Christian Herald Monthly

辦家家酒 Playing House

我丈夫一向沉默；年輕時，他更沉默。 

我呢，本來是一個滿懷熱情、不吐不快的小女子， 遇見他之後，也變得不怎麼愛說話了。 

一個金黃色的秋天，我倆坐在樹林裏約會；幾乎整個下午就那麼無言對坐在滿地迸脆的落葉上。

過了一會兒，當我正專心注視著一朵小白雲，忽然他靦腆地遞過來一片楓葉，上面用藍色原子筆端端正正地寫了五個字：「無聲勝有聲」。

直到我們為彼此套上了婚戒，他和我的交往，一直未曾有過任何深度的心靈交流。

而當時的我，竟全不在意！

卻像兩個小小孩； 在聖壇前交換了誓言之後，我們開始單純、認真、又極盡情地玩兒起辦家家酒的遊戲。他不愛說話，我靜靜地去滿足他；他不交朋友，我默默地把我的也一個個放棄。

有一次高中好友阿婉來訪，回去後過了幾天，她寫來一封嗔怨的信。

「小華，妳變了！」 她說，「愛情使妳變得深沉婉約.......」

我知道我變了，我知道我們的生活不很正常，也不大健康。但我是那麼地愛他，在他的愛裏，我也深深滿足。

這是怎麼一回事呢？

還未來得及想清楚，我已經懷了神所為我們預備的第一個小寶寶.......


My husband is quiet, he was even quieter when he was younger.

I, on the contrary, was very passionate and always had some thoughts to share, but was then quiet down soon after I met him.

One beautiful day in a golden autumn, we spent almost the whole afternoon just sitting on a big pile of crisp fallen leaves in the wood without really saying anything.  

Then as I concentrated on some little cloud in the sky, he all at once bashfully handed me a piece of maple leaf, on which in blue ink neatly he wrote, " Silence is all the better than voices." 
    
Up to the day we put our wedding ring on each other's finger,  he and I never did have any deep communication before or during our courtship. 

But at that time, I didn't mind at all！

Yet like two little kids, having offered our oath over the altar, we seriously and wholeheartedly started playing house.  He didn't use many words, I gladly tried to satisfy him in silence; he seldom spent time with his friends, I couldn't help but starting giving up mine one after another as well.

One day, an old friend from high school came to see me and dropped me a note a few days after she left.

"You have changed, my dear," she wrote, "love has made you so quiet and not easy of  approach....."

I knew I had changed, I knew our life wasn't normal, nor healthy.  And yet, I loved him so much; and in his love, I was completely satisfied.

What was the matter?

Before I could figure it out, I conceived our first baby that God had prepared for us........

(By Julia Chou)
 

公公的憤怒 The Anger of my Father-In-Law

Art work by Calla Chou, my granddaughter

那年，一個夏日的傍晚，才二十出頭的丈夫，突然向我求婚。

還記得，那是在台北市松山機場外面一大片濕綠的草坪上，我倆趴著，面對面。他手指著一架正在低空起航的飛機，神色略緊張而強自鎮定，卻用一種聽來像是發號施令的聲音說：

「我要妳跟我到那兒去！」

在那個時候，女孩子能嫁到美國去，是非常令人艷羨的。

但是，我怎能違背我的心呢？當時年紀輕輕的我，充滿著夢與理想；我完全沒有想要成為一個美國公民。我深愛台灣，深愛我的教書工作，更深愛我的學生。我真的、真的不能忍受離開我自己的國家！

見我搖頭，他說，那要不然，我們倆先結婚，婚禮完後，我和我家人先搬到美國去住，妳一人留在台灣，什麼時候想走再走。

這個提議，我聽來也不大對勁兒。

當初我還並不是一個成熟的基督徒，對聖經中的話語也還沒那麼清楚。我從來不知道新約哥林多後書第六章有關「不信的不能同負一軛」 之說法，也沒唸過舊約申命記二十四章所記載的「新娶妻之人，不可從軍出征……可以在家清閒一年，使他所娶的妻快活」，更全然沒聽說過使徒保羅所教導有關「夫妻分房」的道理 (哥林多前書第七章)。

甚至不知何謂「婚前輔導」！

我只知道，結婚是為了二人相守；若都已計畫好了將來不住在一塊兒，那麼結婚的意義又何在呢？或許，我們還不到該結婚的時候吧。於是我提出了我的建議：

「要不然，你先和你父母全家一同搬去美國住，什麼時候你想跟我結婚、再回來台灣結婚吧！」

我不知道他那天回去後是怎麼和家人商討的，總之，過了沒多久，我倆就迷迷糊糊地踏上了地毯的那一端。婚後一個月，公公帶著他們全家人上了飛機，移民到美國。我和丈夫則一直留在台灣，六年之久。

回想起，公公一定非常傷痛他的寶貝兒子當初沒跟著他一同出國。此刻當我回顧，我頓時大悟，何以公公會在我們婚宴之後的當天晚上，那麼地憤怒！

是因為，那天晚上，公公的心很痛很痛。

然而，當時天真稚嫩的我，只是一片困惑、創傷、與驚恐。

其實，我寧願相信公公是愛我的。最起碼，在我初遇他的那一天以及在他猝逝之前的第三天； 那兩次，我都深深感受到他對我的關愛。

我自己的父親一向嚴厲，且我爸自48歲中風之後變得特別沉默；那天，能見到風趣又慈祥的公公，我幾乎立刻愛上了他。

我曾對丈夫笑說，他能把我追到手，他的父親不無功勞，直到...........

那晚，婚宴結束後，好幾位朋友跟著我的新娘車一路過來，預備小鬧一下洞房。丈夫興奮地把我從車上抱出；到了門口往裏一看，見公公正板著臉、一語不發地坐在客廳沙發上。這下子，沒有一個人敢走進屋來。

慌亂不安中，丈夫和我笨拙地把朋友們都留在門外；兩人匆匆進房換下了婚禮服，臉也沒洗，就立刻出來陪著公婆一同圍坐飯廳的圓桌。

過了一會兒，公公提議打點兒香瓜汁喝。

這時，一向最受公公寵愛的么女、我的小姑 (她是公公所指定給我的那天婚禮上的扮娘) 沒有立刻起身；只聽見她像平常一般地撒嬌道，唉喲，都已經這麼晚了，大家都好累喲，不要再弄什麼香瓜汁了吧，明天再打給您喝就是啦！

丈夫和我都還正傻笑著不知如何是好，只見說時遲、那時快，我的公公猛然拍地一下子拂袖而起；他一面掀桌翻椅，一面怒吼大罵.......把我嚇得渾身戰抖個不停。

我心中一直以為，公公是殘忍地藉著小姑、在我新婚之夜給我一個下馬威，叫我見識一下他這做公公的權威與厲害。之後，在我們的婚姻中，他又多次發狠以及酒後失控；這許多的傷害，一直夢魘般地纏繞捆綁著我，久久不能釋放。

感謝上帝，我終能以一份愛與體恤、悟出了他在我婚宴當晚憤怒的原因。

然而只有我的神知道，我之所以終能悟出，乃是藉著之前發生的一次事件；祂，向我顯出了祂的無邊恩典、與至高全權......

 
One evening in a midsummer，he all of a sudden made a proposal to me.

We were at a little park near the airport when he pointed with his finger at a United Airplane which was just launching toward the West.  His voice sounded rather like he was making a command.

"I want you to go over there with me! " he said. 

In those days, almost every young heart in Taiwan kept an American dream.  But I have to honestly admit that I had no intention to become an American citizen at all.  In addition, I so loved Taiwan, so enjoyed my teaching job, and so in love with all my teen-age students that I  just couldn't leave this very country of my own!

When he saw I was shaking my head, he suggested that, after the wedding, I stay in Taiwan by myself while he lives with his whole family in the US, and I may leave Taiwan whenever I am ready.

This suggestion didn't sound right to me either.

I was not a mature Christian at that time and didn't know the Bible well.  I never heard of "do not mismatch with unbelievers", or "newly married man shouldn't go to the war field, instead, let him be at home for a year and make his wife's heart happy", or anything how husbands and wives should treat each other in a biblical way regarding their sexual life.

Hadn't even heard of  "premarital counseling"!

The only thing I knew was, to get married means to stick together.  If people want to get married and yet decide not to live together, then why bother with getting married?  Maybe he and I were just not ready to get married yet.  So I then offered my suggestion.

"Why don't you go ahead move to the US and live there with your parents, then whenever you are ready to get married, you come back and marry me."

I don't know how he went home and discussed with his parents.  Anyhow we got married not long after.  A month after the wedding, my father-in-law went aboard for the States with the rest of his family.  My husband and I then stayed in Taiwan for six happiest marriage years until we had to come to the USA to live with my in-laws.

As I think back, my father-in-law must have been very sad that my husband did not leave with him.  To my astonishment, it was at this very moment when I recall, I suddenly got the whole picture and realized why he was so angry the night when our wedding banquet was over. 

It was because his heart was greatly aching that night.

But beyond my ability of understanding at that young age, I was just simply bemused, hurt and horrified.

To be honest, I would rather believe that my father-in-law did love me.

At least I felt his sincerity the day I first met him and the day before his sudden death.

My own father had been a rigid man and was very quiet ever since he got a stroke at the age of forty-eight.  That's why when I first met my father-in-law, I was so impressed with his being fun, humorous and kind that I literally at once loved him.

I used to kind of joke to my husband that, it was partially because of his father that I would marry him.   And until....

It was the night when our wedding banquet was just over.  A few friends followed our bridal car and were ready to have some fun time with us.  My husband carried me out of the car in excitement, and, when we saw my father-in-law sit right in the living room sofa with no smile, none of my friends dared to enter the house.

In panic, my husband and I awkwardly left all the friends alone outside.  We rushed into our room and quickly changed our evening attire, then without even cleaning my face, we came immediately to the living room, sitting with my parents-in-law and other relatives.

My father-in-law then suggested that we make some fresh melon juice, but my youngest sister-in-law, being her father's most favorite, didn't agree.

"Let's not do it tonight since it's so late and everyone is tired; I'll make some for you tomorrow." she said.  (She was the matron of honor for my wedding, appointed by my father-in-law)

My husband and I were sitting there smiling naively, hadn't known what to say or to do, all of a sudden, my father-in-law ragingly stood up, roaring in anger and shouting with wrath, he pushed over the chairs and almost overturned the table......I was so shocked and was all shaking in horror.

I had always believed that he was using my sister-in-law to show his authority and arbitrariness to me......he did blow up many times again later in my marriage, some of those even related to alcohol which were so incredibly hurtful that I just literally fell into a depression.  Those bad memories had bothered me like nightmares, and for a long, long time I was not able to let go of them.

But now I am so thankful to have eventually, with love and compassion, realized the reason why he was so raging that first night.
 
And only God knows, the reason I could ever figure all this out was simply because a few days prior to this, my God and my Lord, who, through an incident, showed His grace and His sovereignty to me.

(By Julia Chou)

娃娃初戀 Puppy Love

我這人從小就很自卑。

 
和丈夫交往的時候，我們已經過了二十； 我們很相愛，而且都以為可以彼此相守了。

有一次，我掙扎著一種迫切感，想要將真實的自己袒呈給他。記得那時我帶著滿懷的羞慚與不安，老老實實地告訴他說，我不喜歡自己的腳和胸部。

輪到他了，只見他也支吾片刻，然後不痛不養地說：

「嗯，我也是，我有香港腳，還有就是.......嗯.......沒有了。」

回想起來，挺好笑，也很悲哀。

身為一個基督徒，我何竟一心記掛著自己的外表，以致未能花時間向心愛的男友多論及一些信仰、生命、個性、或是品格的問題！


I used to carry a heavy sense of inferiority toward myself since I was a very little girl.

My hubby and I were both at our twenties when I dated him.  We were in love, and thought we could be with each other forever.

One day, I struggled to feel a strong need of letting him know some of my weakness.  I remember I finally uttered, with shame, unease and honesty,  "I don't like my feet and my breasts."

I guess it was then his turn, for after pausing a few seconds, I heard him responding, with a tone of not much expression.

"Me too," he said, " I've got the Athlete's Foot, and also I ......well.....nothing."

It seems funny now, yet I am deeply saddened as I recall.

As a Christian, why should I be so preoccupied by my own appearance that I seldom took time to talk about faith, life, character or integrity to my beloved boyfriend?    

(By Julia Chou)