 |
| Art work by Calla Chou, my granddaughter |
那年，一個夏日的傍晚，才二十出頭的丈夫，突然向我求婚。
還記得，那是在台北市松山機場外面一大片濕綠的草坪上，我倆趴著，面對面。他手指著一架正在低空起航的飛機，神色略緊張而強自鎮定，卻用一種聽來像是發號施令的聲音說：
「我要妳跟我到那兒去！」
在那個時候，女孩子能嫁到美國去，是非常令人艷羨的。
但是，我怎能違背我的心呢？當時年紀輕輕的我，充滿著夢與理想；我完全沒有想要成為一個美國公民。我深愛台灣，深愛我的教書工作，更深愛我的學生。我真的、真的不能忍受離開我自己的國家！
見我搖頭，他說，那要不然，我們倆先結婚，婚禮完後，我和我家人先搬到美國去住，妳一人留在台灣，什麼時候想走再走。
這個提議，我聽來也不大對勁兒。
當初我還並不是一個成熟的基督徒，對聖經中的話語也還沒那麼清楚。我從來不知道新約哥林多後書第六章有關「不信的不能同負一軛」 之說法，也沒唸過舊約申命記二十四章所記載的「新娶妻之人，不可從軍出征……可以在家清閒一年，使他所娶的妻快活」，更全然沒聽說過使徒保羅所教導有關「夫妻分房」的道理 (哥林多前書第七章)。
甚至不知何謂「婚前輔導」！
我只知道，結婚是為了二人相守；若都已計畫好了將來不住在一塊兒，那麼結婚的意義又何在呢？或許，我們還不到該結婚的時候吧。於是我提出了我的建議：
「要不然，你先和你父母全家一同搬去美國住，什麼時候你想跟我結婚、再回來台灣結婚吧！」
我不知道他那天回去後是怎麼和家人商討的，總之，過了沒多久，我倆就迷迷糊糊地踏上了地毯的那一端。婚後一個月，公公帶著他們全家人上了飛機，移民到美國。我和丈夫則一直留在台灣，六年之久。
回想起，公公一定非常傷痛他的寶貝兒子當初沒跟著他一同出國。此刻當我回顧，我頓時大悟，何以公公會在我們婚宴之後的當天晚上，那麼地憤怒！
是因為，那天晚上，公公的心很痛很痛。
然而，當時天真稚嫩的我，只是一片困惑、創傷、與驚恐。
其實，我寧願相信公公是愛我的。最起碼，在我初遇他的那一天以及在他猝逝之前的第三天； 那兩次，我都深深感受到他對我的關愛。
我自己的父親一向嚴厲，且我爸自48歲中風之後變得特別沉默；那天，能見到風趣又慈祥的公公，我幾乎立刻愛上了他。
我曾對丈夫笑說，他能把我追到手，他的父親不無功勞，直到...........
那晚，婚宴結束後，好幾位朋友跟著我的新娘車一路過來，預備小鬧一下洞房。丈夫興奮地把我從車上抱出；到了門口往裏一看，見公公正板著臉、一語不發地坐在客廳沙發上。這下子，沒有一個人敢走進屋來。
慌亂不安中，丈夫和我笨拙地把朋友們都留在門外；兩人匆匆進房換下了婚禮服，臉也沒洗，就立刻出來陪著公婆一同圍坐飯廳的圓桌。
過了一會兒，公公提議打點兒香瓜汁喝。
這時，一向最受公公寵愛的么女、我的小姑 (她是公公所指定給我的那天婚禮上的扮娘)
沒有立刻起身；只聽見她像平常一般地撒嬌道，唉喲，都已經這麼晚了，大家都好累喲，不要再弄什麼香瓜汁了吧，明天再打給您喝就是啦！
丈夫和我都還正傻笑著不知如何是好，只見說時遲、那時快，我的公公猛然拍地一下子拂袖而起；他一面掀桌翻椅，一面怒吼大罵.......把我嚇得渾身戰抖個不停。
我心中一直以為，公公是殘忍地藉著小姑、在我新婚之夜給我一個下馬威，叫我見識一下他這做公公的權威與厲害。之後，在我們的婚姻中，他又多次發狠以及酒後失控；這許多的傷害，一直夢魘般地纏繞捆綁著我，久久不能釋放。
感謝上帝，我終能以一份愛與體恤、悟出了他在我婚宴當晚憤怒的原因。
然而只有我的神知道，我之所以終能悟出，乃是藉著之前發生的一次事件；祂，向我顯出了祂的無邊恩典、與至高全權......
One evening in a midsummer，he all of a sudden made a proposal to me.
We were at a little park near the airport when he pointed with his finger at a United Airplane which was just launching toward the West. His voice sounded rather like he was making a command.
"I want you to go over there with me! " he said.
In those days, almost every young heart in Taiwan kept an American dream. But I have to honestly admit that I had no intention to become an American citizen at all. In addition, I so loved Taiwan, so enjoyed my teaching job, and so in love with all my teen-age students that I just couldn't leave this very country of my own!
When he saw I was shaking my head, he suggested that, after the wedding, I stay in Taiwan by myself while he lives with his whole family in the US, and I may leave Taiwan whenever I am ready.
This suggestion didn't sound right to me either.
I was not a mature Christian at that time and didn't know the Bible well. I never heard of "do not mismatch with unbelievers", or "newly married man shouldn't go to the war field, instead, let him be at home for a year and make his wife's heart happy", or anything how husbands and wives should treat each other in a biblical way regarding their sexual life.
Hadn't even heard of "premarital counseling"!
The only thing I knew was, to get married means to stick together. If people want to get married and yet decide not to live together, then why bother with getting married? Maybe he and I were just not ready to get married yet. So I then offered my suggestion.
"Why don't you go ahead move to the US and live there with your parents, then whenever you are ready to get married, you come back and marry me."
I don't know how he went home and discussed with his parents. Anyhow we got married not long after. A month after the wedding, my father-in-law went aboard for the States with the rest of his family. My husband and I then stayed in Taiwan for six happiest marriage years until we had to come to the USA to live with my in-laws.
As I think back, my father-in-law must have been very sad that my husband did not leave with him. To my astonishment, it was at this very moment when I recall, I suddenly got the whole picture and realized why he was so angry the night when our wedding banquet was over.
It was because his heart was greatly aching that night.
But beyond my ability of understanding at that young age, I was just simply bemused, hurt and horrified.
To be honest, I would rather believe that my father-in-law did love me.
At least I felt his sincerity the day I first met him and the day before his sudden death.
My own father had been a rigid man and was very quiet ever since he got a stroke at the age of forty-eight. That's why when I first met my father-in-law, I was so impressed with his being fun, humorous and kind that I literally at once loved him.
I used to kind of joke to my husband that, it was partially because of his father that I would marry him. And until....
It was the night when our wedding banquet was just over. A few friends followed our bridal car and were ready to have some fun time with us. My husband carried me out of the car in excitement, and, when we saw my father-in-law sit right in the living room sofa with no smile, none of my friends dared to enter the house.
In panic, my husband and I awkwardly left all the friends alone outside. We rushed into our room and quickly changed our evening attire, then without even cleaning my face, we came immediately to the living room, sitting with my parents-in-law and other relatives.
My father-in-law then suggested that we make some fresh melon juice, but my youngest sister-in-law, being her father's most favorite, didn't agree.
"Let's not do it tonight since it's so late and everyone is tired; I'll make some for you tomorrow." she said. (She was the matron of honor for my wedding, appointed by my father-in-law)
My husband and I were sitting there smiling naively, hadn't known what to say or to do, all of a sudden, my father-in-law ragingly stood up, roaring in anger and shouting with wrath, he pushed over the chairs and almost overturned the table......I was so shocked and was all shaking in horror.
I had always believed that he was using my sister-in-law to show his authority and arbitrariness to me......he did blow up many times again later in my marriage, some of those even related to alcohol which were so incredibly hurtful that I just literally fell into a depression. Those bad memories had bothered me like nightmares, and for a long, long time I was not able to let go of them.
But now I am so thankful to have eventually, with love and compassion, realized the reason why he was so raging that first night.
And only God knows, the reason I could ever figure all this out was simply because a few days prior to this, my God and my Lord, who, through an incident, showed His grace and His sovereignty to me.
(By Julia Chou)
No comments :
Post a Comment